There were a million red flags I missed before I got married.

There were a million red flags I missed before I got married. I only started translating these missed signals and symbols after I got divorced and it has been an intriguing learning experience.

Though I am a great lover of British psychoanalysis, I cannot diagnose my ex-husband — diagnosis is…


Who is this person?

When my husband was having an affair, he changed.

He was actively becoming a different person. Some of the changes were clichéed, but some were surprising and perplexing. The clichéed changes were the beauty facials, new clothes, the preening, the vanity. …


Dreams as rehearsals for reality.

Everyone knows the dissonances and disconnections in relationships before they end.

Before I left my husband, I endured the days wondering how it would end, how I could make it end, dreading the death rattle of the relationship whilst wishing for the relationship to experience a sudden and well-defined guillotine.


The phenomenon of denying the undeniable intrigued me.

When I wrote Meeting My Husband’s Mistress, I was struck at the depth of denial that was present in the attempts to work through our marriage and come to terms with the affair.

Even with overwhelming evidence, such as him walking past me with his mistress holding hands with her…


At the water cooler at work, Winnie said, “So my husband was abandoned by the girl.”

Oh shit. I did not want to talk to her, I just wanted a glass of water.

She always referred to the other woman as “the girl,” as if she didn’t have a name.


According to him, I am a sex addict.

After separating from my husband, I thought about how he tormented me with countless accusations of affairs when I hadn’t had any affairs.

On the one hand, I think he thought that I shouldn’t talk to anyone, male or female and that any interest, affection, or conversation was a sign…


Maybe it took 5 minutes, maybe 10. It was hard to tell.

Divorce at the courthouse was a surprisingly ordinary non-event.

The divorce proceeding itself went by quickly and it was matter-of-fact.

It was an eerily understated legal proceeding; a series of questions, yes and no answers. Then I was divorced.

Just like that.

Maybe it took 5 minutes, maybe 10. …


I remember the moment my ex-husband introduced me to his mistress.

I remember the moment my husband (now ex-husband) introduced me to his mistress.

Formally, that is.

When recounting the story of their spouse’s suspected affair, many have said that they had met the mistress multiple times, unbeknownst to them. …


The salient feature of marriage to a narcissist is the overwhelming unpaid labor that the spouse demands, without discussion or negotiation.

The reason why I call it unpaid labor of narcissistic marriage is because labor in narcissistic marriage is not labor undertaken through love, care, and mutuality. …


He thought I was afraid of being alone.

When my marriage was heaving its death rattle in the last 18 months of marriage, my husband made pronouncements at the doorway of whatever room I was in and then he ran away immediately after he made his brutal announcements, which were usually rude and intending to be hurtful.

Most…

Poppy Nagano

Researcher, cat mom, heirloom vegetable obsessed gardener.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store